Setting Expectations

The Victim is ridden with resentment and disappointment because his expectations are never made explicit. The Tyrant issues demands and edicts without consent. The Mature King is clear about his expectations of others' behavior in his realm and communicates them as a gift.

Clear expectations help guide others to serve the realm. They prevent the resentment that comes from unspoken assumptions. The King is sparing and clear with his expectations—he doesn't burden others with endless demands.

Pay attention to disappointment and resentment: If these feelings are present, the first step is to take full responsibility. Is there a broken expectation here? Is it an implicit expectation? If so, the King's responsibility is to make it explicit without blame or shame.

Get acceptance: The King asks whether the other person accepts his expectation. Here's a scenario: "James, I noticed you were late again to our appointment. I expect people to be on time when they meet with me, and to call if they're going to be late. Is that something I can expect of you, or would you like me to drop it?"

This is a key difference between King, Tyrant, and Victim. The King asks for permission to continue his expectations after clarifying them. The Tyrant imposes his expectations. The Victim withholds them.

Follow through: If a person accepts your expectation, you can share your disappointment with them next time they don't meet it. This is a gift from the King—holding the other to a bar they want for themselves.

Drop what's declined: If a person declines your expectation, you must drop it. Take full responsibility. You may need to adjust the boundaries of your realm as a result.

Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind. The King who sets clear expectations creates a realm where people know what's expected and can succeed.

The King's expectations are not demands but invitations to a higher standard. When he holds people to expectations they've accepted, he honors their capacity to grow. Most people rise to meet clear expectations—they want to know what excellence looks like and how to achieve it.