Identifying Needs
Understanding Underling Needs
Summary
The Mature King can help people understand what they're really feeling and what they truly need, which is often the key to resolving conflicts.
"Every criticism, judgment, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need."
"All violence is the result of people tricking themselves into believing that their pain derives from other people."
"The first step toward change is awareness."
Identifying Needs
Beneath every conflict are unmet needs and unacknowledged feelings. The Mature King helps people identify what they're truly feeling and what they need. This transforms conflicts from battles into opportunities for connection and resolution.
The Tyrant dismisses feelings as weakness. He ignores needs unless they serve his agenda. The Victim is overwhelmed by feelings and can't tell them apart. The Mature King navigates the emotional landscape with clarity and compassion.
Identifying feelings and needs requires several skills:
Emotional literacy: The King has a rich vocabulary for emotions beyond "good" and "bad." He tells the difference between anger and frustration, sadness and disappointment, fear and anxiety.
Curiosity: The King approaches emotions with interest rather than judgment. He wants to understand what's happening beneath the surface.
Separation: The King separates feelings from thoughts and needs from strategies. He helps people see that "I feel like you don't care" is a thought, not a feeling.
Empathy: The King senses others' emotional experience without losing himself.
Needs consciousness: The King understands universal human needs—safety, belonging, autonomy, meaning. He identifies which needs are at stake.
Non-judgment: The King recognizes that all feelings are valid and all needs are legitimate, even when the strategies for meeting them are problematic.
In conflict resolution, this skill is transformative. When two people argue about who's right, the King helps them identify the feelings and needs beneath their positions. Both parties often have legitimate needs that can be addressed once made explicit.
A couple fighting about money might discover that one needs security while the other needs freedom. These aren't incompatible needs—they require creative solutions rather than one person winning.
The King who masters this skill creates a realm where people feel understood. Conflicts become opportunities for deeper connection.